Nothing to say

It’s really hard to find out that one of the most significant people in your life is dying.

Betty, the closest thing I have to a third parent, has cancer in both her lungs, and has been taken off chemotherapy.  Needless to say, the chemo was anything but therapy for her.  So now, I guess, it’s just a matter of waiting for her to die.

I’m having a really hard time with this, but not in any expressable way.  I just feel a sort of internal presssure right now.  I just got off the phone with her husband, and this heavy, swelling sadness has suddenly displaced most other things in my mind.  I feel in many ways like his voice sounds.  In addition to all these other things, I somehow simultaneously feel numb.

She played a huge role in raising me.  She is the one who never gave up on me.  My fiancee hasn’t even met her yet.  My pain is based primarily in selfishness, I know.  That makes it harder - dealing with the guilt that knowledge induces.  I want her to come to the wedding.  I want her to see how good things are going for me.  I need her to know how much her unconditional love and boundless patience mean to me.

So now that you’re all sick of seeing that I still haven’t posted since Ernesto (which ended up being less of a deal than some of the regular thunderstorms we have here), I’ll post this hilarious forward I got.

“Hilarious forward”.  That makes about as much sense as “Peaceful Muslim”.  You know they exist.  You’re sure they’re out there.  But I’ll be damned if they ever get mentioned in the news…

Without further ado:

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.