It’s really hard to find out that one of the most significant people in your life is dying.
Betty, the closest thing I have to a third parent, has cancer in both her lungs, and has been taken off chemotherapy. Needless to say, the chemo was anything but therapy for her. So now, I guess, it’s just a matter of waiting for her to die.
I’m having a really hard time with this, but not in any expressable way. I just feel a sort of internal presssure right now. I just got off the phone with her husband, and this heavy, swelling sadness has suddenly displaced most other things in my mind. I feel in many ways like his voice sounds. In addition to all these other things, I somehow simultaneously feel numb.
She played a huge role in raising me. She is the one who never gave up on me. My fiancee hasn’t even met her yet. My pain is based primarily in selfishness, I know. That makes it harder - dealing with the guilt that knowledge induces. I want her to come to the wedding. I want her to see how good things are going for me. I need her to know how much her unconditional love and boundless patience mean to me.
chewingfoil | 26-Nov-06 at 10:27 am | Permalink
Terry, I’m so sorry for your loss. You seem to be aware that grief is really the “grief for self” as we negotiate our lives without this person any longer. It does get better, with time…I’m still dealing with my mother’s death, and it comes and goes in waves, but the edge isn’t as sharp as it once was.
Take care of yourself, it’s what Betty would have wanted.
Big hug to you,
Lisa